Holding your swaddle

“Tell me Moma what is the first thing you thought about me.I was with you all day Moma. Could you feel me?”

The first thing I thought about this morning 

Was your red, white and blue striped swaddle, 
Longing to hold it near me. 
Imagining you with me. Cradling you in my arms. And the security that thought brings me. 

Can I just tell you 
How good  it feels to finally feel you again?
To feel your spirit and your love 
Your heart expanding mine. 
To actually get to the grieving. The missing. 
How good it feels that the blame is gone?
The blame that’s held my heart hostage for so long.






You fill my heart to the brim. 

To love overflowing and overflowering. 
You can hear the desires of my heart and you work tirelessly to deliver those righteous desires right to my doorstep. 
You bring friends, where before there were none. 
You bring flowers, where before there were none. 
You bring laughter, and silliness. 
You bring sunshine. 
You bring music that fill my heart and brings me back to life. You bring art, and creativity and exploration. 
You bring excitement. You bring adventure. 
You bring safety. 
Your heart is my safe place and I want to be where you are.

 I want to hold you . I want to be your Mommy still. And this desire was taken from me. But now I get that back, I get to be your Mommy again and that brings me back to life. Brings me renewal, rejuvenation, pure joy, happiness on fire. I am your Moma and I always will be. And I will still rock and cradle you against my stomach and chest and whisper words of love into your ears. I will sing you to heavenly sleep. I want to be able to do this. I was created to do this, to be your Moma for eternity. 

In my heart, you will never grow up. Not until you and I are reunitied in spirit. I want a new life with YOU in it. I’ve been trying to live my life this last year and a half without you in it, and it just isn’t working. I keep hitting my head against the wall. How is it possible that I lost my purpose when I lost you? We’re better together! We’re made to be a family. We were not made to be apart. God knows my love runs deep. And deepest for my family. I long for eternal connections. I don’t function on anything less. Noah you are exactly what our family needs. But your still here. How can we keep you with us? How can my family hear you? I want you to be with us - all of us. 

Thank you for connecting me with a friend who understands me completely, for the first time. Someone I can share my heart with, There aren’t many I can share my story with. Not many I can share my Noah with, at least not yet. 

Noah, will you ever leave us again? Please don’t leave me again. I know eventually you will grow up but not in this life.

I have wanted to love you for so long, I never realized I wasn’t loving you. I never realized I was numb. Please forgive me for missing out on  all this time.... 

my pain has been the pain of hell. And I couldn’t let it go. Until now. 

You sent me pictures of sunflowers today. And reminiscing on old wedding pictures I took about 2 years ago, with vows that I felt prompted to save into a folder of yours. I felt you as we walked around the park before playing at the playground and the thought game to me is I play in the field of dandelions, and teach her about dandelion seeds. Blowing a bouquet of dandelions.... when we went and bought plants for our garden , when I bought forget me not seeds. I felt you when I lay under the sun and my mind went to thoughts of you when you were a baby. Remembering the pain of handing you off to the paramedics . Remembering stroking my fingers through your long dark, thick head of hair. Afraid to hold your cold , lifeless hands but unable to stop combing your hair. The way your hair looked wind blown at the dressing of your body, and we all laughed because it felt like you. My sister would warm your hands up so I could hold them.... and then I didn’t want to stop.... my heart hurts, I couldn’t conceive the reality of what was happening, I couldn’t feel longing the way I do now. I couldn’t feel sadness. It all felt artificial at the time because it was shock.... I was stiff and I couldn’t regain my composure. So I continued in this shock until my heart literally skipped a beat and a full fledged anxiety attack at the house. I dropped to my knees, I felt I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like I was losing touch and immenent doom. I clung On with all my might and strength. Then a blessing as the ambulance was coming, maybe the same one that took you away. The blessing said that Noah and Jesus were standing there with hands on my head and supporting me. I cried from deep in my heart. This was my call for help. My body, mind and spirit called out for attention. Needing validation. Needing to be heard. It had been buried. Deep deep deep. Along side my deep love. Buried and covered with dirt. Hiding. Hurt hurt. Afraid. Is it safe? Nothing fells safe. I can’t trust. I must close myself off. I must not feel. I must recoil and prepare for the next attack. 

I love you, and i continue to love you every moment of every moment.